you

when the sun rises
my hands will grab it by
the shoulders, shaking it awake
one more time.

for meals i will feed it the soft breaths
of its children, little green arms that sway
with mother nature’s every sigh.

when it is ready i will carry it through the fields
to show it its worth, gesturing to
the stretching trees, the blushing flowers,
the endless life
which springs forth;

give it crisp water from the rivers to drink
so it remembers to be humble
in times where its power rings too strong,
when mother nature must run to cradle
the little green arms turned yellow with
too much of its gaze.

if the sun feels sorrow, i will
wipe its tears with the handkerchief
of the clouds, soft cotton that leaves
little pieces on the sun even afterwards,
softening the glow of its sparkling sad eyes.

the sun will tire, maybe
complain of its tasks,
perhaps lament its inability to see
the wondrous world of night and its
surreal, starry terrain.

again i will wipe its tears,
this time with a napkin made with
blades of grass once weaved together by
a bored mother nature sitting cross-legged
in a plain of dead flowers
forgetting her duties and playing with the weeds--
a treasure found floating alone in a lonely river.

when the sun contemplates the dangerous idea
of ends and no more beginnings i will
hold its hands and
bring it to a beautiful corner of the earth,
a place which borders reality and
the edges of dreams.

we will sit together
side by side
and i will hide
my burned hands behind my back
(and whisper into your soft,
blazing fire, tasting burnt skin
and sweet pain: “this is
you”) to watch the colors of the sky bloom
from soul-sucking navy blue to a passionate fuchsia
to a distant yellow as we watch you
sink lower into the horizon,
creating breathtaking beauty in your temporary goodbye
and a promise to return tomorrow.


recoil

my ghost speaks to me when i need it least,
when i am sitting with friends, enjoying their presence--
she points out to me a look in my friend’s eye (just a split
second, it passes, perhaps unnoticeably), a look that
seems of disgust and she whispers,
“they’re waiting for you to leave,”
i blink,
“waiting for you to leave.”

for moments afterwards she helps me hunt more signs of their
subtle distress, conspiracies drawn between small gestures and
words and absences of words and again the familiar feeling returns
when my ghost sits on my heart and i feel it sink into my stomach as i recall:
that’s right, you’re included for show,
for kindness,
just go--

and i do.
i leave.
i sit alone in my room and i sit
and i stare and i wonder why i am so worthless
and my ghost reminds me with no particular rhyme or reason
that it is because of who i am,
the things i say,
the way i stand.

change

Eddie looked off into the distance. "I don't know." She sighed. "It's always been like that."

I didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry about all that."

Several leaves danced in front of us in a colorful waltz. I shivered from the cold. I could feel the icy metal of the bench through my jeans.

"You know, my name wasn't always Eddie."

"Oh, yeah? When did you decide on Eddie?"

"No, like--"

A dog owner and his dog jogged past us. He looked pretty content about his life.

"It's just. My parents."

"Your parents? They made you call yourself Eddie?"

"No, well. I chose that name myself. Nickname, I mean." She paused. "I mean, my name is actually Edward."

"Oh," I said. "Edward."

Eddie laughed. "Yeah, I know. I don't know why they chose it either. When I was twelve, too."

"What?"

"Look," Eddie turned to me. "There's just things I can't explain. My parents weren't very... normal. I didn't know that then. I thought names weren't permanent things. I never lived in places long enough to realize that nobody changed their names every two years. I never... I never got to stay. I never got to build myself up."

I rubbed my nose because there was nothing to do, but immediately regretted it upon feeling the chilly wind bite my exposed fingers.

"I see," I said slowly.

She looked at me in a strange way. To this day I can never explain that look. It was a rare expression.

"You don't have to say that, you know." She sighed, then shrugged. We sat in silence for a bit.

"I feel--I feel like I'm saying too much--"

"No, no," I said. "It's good that you're talking. It's good. To um, build yourself up."

"Yeah." She bit her lips. "Yeah."

Silence.

"You know," she turned to me. "I think everything about who I am is... is because of my parents. Or everything about who I am not."

"They do seem like an interesting bunch," I said.

"Interesting, yeah." She smiled weakly, her eyes searching desperately around the park for something to distract herself with. It was excruciatingly calm.

"You know I had five names before Eddie? And I lived the first two years of my life without one. They refused to give one. I was named 'Baby' for two years. That was my name on my birth certificate.

"And they never let me in on the names, either. They always decided. They had all this money, from god knows where. Ellen--my mom--said she inherited a ton. And so did Phil."

"Phil's your dad?"

"Yeah. Never call them by their titles or whatever. They were never really a mom or dad to me, anyways. They were so lost and indecisive about themselves that when they had me, they couldn't bear to be decisive for the sake of this poor living soul. I inherited all of their insecurities."

"They changed your name because they were indecisive?"

"Well, I mean. They thought it was cool. That it would make me a more creative person or something. They had the connections and the money. Legal issues aren't too big of a deal if you have a lot of money and know a lot of people, you know. I grew up with everything like that.

"But I guess I also grew up with nothing."

She wiped her eyes. I didn't know what to say. So I didn't.

We stayed like that, sitting on the bench, looking out at the quiet lake. The water was calm. I felt calm, but unsettled.

"Let's go inside," I said eventually. "They might be waiting for us."