beautiful

she was beautiful.

not the
lipstick, pink blush sun-kissed
blonde hair, fair skin,
long locks of
golden laughter that
captures every passing man with her
blue eyes kind of
beautiful.

she betrayed
gravity with her
uneven cackles and
short-cut black-dyed
bedhead hairstyle,
dip into your soul and
listen to your worries kind of
coal-colored black eyes,
say what you need to hear
truthful yet cheerful
words whispered through those
bare, soft lips kind of
beautiful,

the kind that emerged fresh from
the insides of the flesh,
awe-inspiring and
jaw-dropping with her
knowing eyes, her
button-down, the complete and utter
disregard for
the sounds of dismay
(after all, who gives a shit
about what they say)
from people with the fear of
accepting that
she was a hero
for living in her own
universe-creating
life-changing
gaze-defying
beautiful way.


you

when the sun rises
my hands will grab it by
the shoulders, shaking it awake
one more time.

for meals i will feed it the soft breaths
of its children, little green arms that sway
with mother nature’s every sigh.

when it is ready i will carry it through the fields
to show it its worth, gesturing to
the stretching trees, the blushing flowers,
the endless life
which springs forth;

give it crisp water from the rivers to drink
so it remembers to be humble
in times where its power rings too strong,
when mother nature must run to cradle
the little green arms turned yellow with
too much of its gaze.

if the sun feels sorrow, i will
wipe its tears with the handkerchief
of the clouds, soft cotton that leaves
little pieces on the sun even afterwards,
softening the glow of its sparkling sad eyes.

the sun will tire, maybe
complain of its tasks,
perhaps lament its inability to see
the wondrous world of night and its
surreal, starry terrain.

again i will wipe its tears,
this time with a napkin made with
blades of grass once weaved together by
a bored mother nature sitting cross-legged
in a plain of dead flowers
forgetting her duties and playing with the weeds--
a treasure found floating alone in a lonely river.

when the sun contemplates the dangerous idea
of ends and no more beginnings i will
hold its hands and
bring it to a beautiful corner of the earth,
a place which borders reality and
the edges of dreams.

we will sit together
side by side
and i will hide
my burned hands behind my back
(and whisper into your soft,
blazing fire, tasting burnt skin
and sweet pain: “this is
you”) to watch the colors of the sky bloom
from soul-sucking navy blue to a passionate fuchsia
to a distant yellow as we watch you
sink lower into the horizon,
creating breathtaking beauty in your temporary goodbye
and a promise to return tomorrow.


recoil

my ghost speaks to me when i need it least,
when i am sitting with friends, enjoying their presence--
she points out to me a look in my friend’s eye (just a split
second, it passes, perhaps unnoticeably), a look that
seems of disgust and she whispers,
“they’re waiting for you to leave,”
i blink,
“waiting for you to leave.”

for moments afterwards she helps me hunt more signs of their
subtle distress, conspiracies drawn between small gestures and
words and absences of words and again the familiar feeling returns
when my ghost sits on my heart and i feel it sink into my stomach as i recall:
that’s right, you’re included for show,
for kindness,
just go--

and i do.
i leave.
i sit alone in my room and i sit
and i stare and i wonder why i am so worthless
and my ghost reminds me with no particular rhyme or reason
that it is because of who i am,
the things i say,
the way i stand.